Then they didnt see us for 3 months. She had lots of issues with insecurities and jealousy. I was also hurt, as a teenager, that she spent so much time with her boyfriend/fiancee and never did anything with me. I just try to help people repair important relationships. At her suggestion he bought her a promise ring at 6 months. My girlfriend (shes 18 and im 19) is through this phase thinking shes fat (trust me shes not). I pray to God every day to heal our family. In short, I ignored him and refused to talk to him. Please! I am pretty sure I am the cause after being publicly humiliated with a video that was put out when I was 17. I told her, i never called her a terrible mother. She perceived that I called her a terrible mother. I wouldnt think of contacting them for some sort of reconciliation because of my failing health or advancing age. But she is the one when agree that says mean hateful things to me. Not an affair during his marriage but close to it. There is civility but the situation is toxic. I do have contact with my youngest daughter and recently that has even improved, since she moved out of her mothers home. Youre in a tough position. There was no way I was putting myself in that situation, so I said no. Thank you for your comment, and good luck. I understand some of the ways our close relationship was unhealthy. I am 54 and I must admit I cant wait for my time on this earth to be over so I dont have to live with the pain. Maybe someone will say that I dont have character and thats why I am always polite to people (except the bastards who have insulted me). I hope that their shock and unhappiness will give way to a situation that, while it may not be ideal, isnt fraught with tension. He begged and pleaded that I not break up with him, threatening suicide and homicide. I initially cut contact with them because they are toxic. My sister and I spent 2 days a week laughing and hanging out for 10 years, she literally lives across the street (she can also be pretty mean sometimes but Ive always let it slide). You all suffered. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever live a normal life and if I can move on from this. I knew they were hurt and I tried to make up for leaving every chance I had. When she started school I still had a very good relationship but around when she turned between 11 and 13 she changed dramaticaly. The grief from this loss was unbearable at first and I spiralled downwards into a very dark place. Please help. My comments were basically advising him about the home buying process starting with having good credit and such. Thanks for replying, Tina. It has never been normal for us to make phone calls before the death and I honestly have felt like she wasnt interested in that anyway. 26 comments. In my opinion its not about whose fault it is, Worriedmama. My heart literally aches daily from missing them. i live alone. Its been almost two years since we last spoke. I graduated on the honor roll. Its not worth the effort if someone is willing to be estranged and leave the other person In state of torturous limbo because one doesnt want to look within themselves but outward only. In that case, youll have to wait and see if your son comes around. I was leaving phone messages and e-mails but they go unanswered. We are beyond heartbroken and at a point of real non understanding. In fact Im distressed right now. I have also been banned from my 2 grandsons to which I mainly contribute to my DILs mental health and a son who is controlled by her. She told my dad then I heard nothing from either of them the rest of day. I hope you dont mind me posting here, but I feel like I just need to get it down. Build the bridge together. I have no idea how or why I came to be this person or why people target or choose me to be. He or she can support you in finding new ways to communicate that are more effective, less hurtful, and bring you closer together rather than driving you apart. I had asked my sister to be a godmother but she wasnt happy Id invited someone to the Christening she dousnt like. Then gathers other siblings and step siblings and tells them stuff that maybe some small part is true but exagerates it by 10 times and now has all of my four kids not talking to me. What Do You Do When You Apologize and Get No Response? Jo, complicated grief can be more difficult as you expressed. We were six children and in the 4th in number. Due to my narcissist husband and his constant betrayals I left him and took my daughter with me. There is much you can do to give the relationship a really good shot, but ultimately, you must realize that theres only so much thats within your control. I cry most days. I dare not tell anyone I am estranged in fear they think I have done something unimaginable to my child. Lori Gottlieb Family Dear Therapist: My Daughter Hasn't Wanted a Relationship With Me for 25 Years I want to reestablish our connection, but she won't even acknowledge me at family. But I never treated him wrong. When I turned 28, my Dad passed away and my brother went from tolerating me to being down right cruel. We are adults. When practicing dealing with other people, its best to assume people will be reasonable and respond appropriately. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and once I got home she shut me out for months on end. You have to actually work on that. I really had not been abusive to her. If you havent already done so, you may want to read my Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children. She is my whole heart. There are more details but my mother was very deliberate in changing beneficiaries when my sister passed away. I really want to help her but now that she has decided to cut off all contact with me, the only way to reach her is through email. Anyways all the horrible things were said and I got down to my sisters level of cursing and being just straight up foul mouthed. Thank you in advance for reading. I would not let back in the house. The restI could not care less about. Millennials are learning to assert their own right to happiness & deserve feeling worthy. Its just hard. I want to scream I Miss My Daughter but how? I hope your father can respond to your willingness to connect by examining the ways in which his behavior comes across as mean and judgmental. If you ever feel you cant remain safe, please call emergency services (9-1-1 in the U.S.), call a friend to stay with you, or go to your nearest emergency room. . The biggest thing Ive learned is that estrangement runs through the generations. In a new video, Spears addressed those who were arguing she was in the wrong in the . If youre not getting return phone calls, text, or emails, fly or drive out and see your children. Id do anything to have my dad in my life but I dont think hes feeling the same way. It is hard to do, but if youre hurting from disappointment you must realise you were projecting expectations. I am beginning trauma-focused therapy to help me heal this family pattern. Perhaps she found her own parents love conditional, and is continuing the family tradition with you. Two and a half years of nothing. There is no specific reason or event. I tell my son we all need to talk now before this gets out of control. So I suggest maybe that is why. Its so awful. I need to ask her just that question. Im truly sorry if this is what youre up against. Perhaps youve noticed that I offer a Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children, which might also contain some useful information for you. He called me a cheater. For instance, when my Dad actually died, he forbade my 22 year old daughter from coming to the hospice to give me support. A. a/a. You can read them right here on this website. How to Respond After You Hurt Your Partner - Verywell Mind I was obeying my boyfriend because I was frightened of him and what he would do. My Adult Daughter Is Rejecting Me | Psychology Today His girlfriend talks to me and updates me on the pregnancy. Are you two not talking after the fight? Her parents were present at the birth of our first grandchild. So I wait and its now been 7 months and shes made him block my phone and all social media views and my grandchild is due in 2 days and I wont be there at the hospital to enjoy and share this with them with my son like everyone else will. I tried to talk to her about it but she ran away as I was speaking to her. It may offer clues about what the problem is. My other brother and I were away at college at the time. The reason for an estrangement, either parent or child, is because those involved do not want to listen to each other. He internalizes everything.always has. I know my mother had issues and there were terrible things done to her disguised as love. And who would miss that kind of relationship? Parenting is one of the most complex and challenging jobs you'll face in your lifetime -- but also the most rewarding. Parents are only learning as they go in life , as well , in most cases. So for my own sanity I had to let it go. I have seen 3 different therapists who all say to leave my son alone and respect his wishes. Its the most painful thing I have been through and continue to go through. As the years were passing by I felt put aside. Hi Tina great article !!! Dysphoria set in, and it was so drastic and traumatic. I was very concerned about him being very underage. She feels inadequate, irrelevant and as if she has to cram everything in as shes also living on the clock.mortality is scary and so I viius when you see kids adult before you. I cleaned the kitchen, said goodbye, and went back to the other cabin. Finally at the age of 16 she moved to Germany where she lived for 6 years and then to London where she has been living for the past 3 years. Dear Annie: I've offended my daughter-in-law again, but she won't tell I dont expect to ever see him again so everyday is like a funeral for us and full of unanswered questions. Ive had no response to date. Thank so much. i havent been able to think clearly enough to know what i could possibly do to prevent our ties being severed. Good luck. No one is perfect. My son and I always got along. But I was surprised last 2months she reported me to some council of elders which I was punished. Currently I am now speaking to my mother again but very restricted. Its called Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child, and its available wherever books are sold. We were extremely close until she turned 17. To cut a long story short, every time I visit her or when she comes to visit me, I am always so loving which I think irritates her and we always end up arguing as, for no reason, she become verbally aggressive and I react. Seeing her after 5years only led to arguments about why I would like Kontakt with my brother(ummmhes my brother?!?!). He never mentioned it. He denied it but eventually the truth came out. When they were in college I bought food for them when they didnt have money and even paid for their heating oil when they couldnt afford it. Thank you for sharing your experience. We have a son who is no longer speaking to us. I sent a lengthy apology for that, explaining I didnt mean for it to sound anything like girls are to blame for the rape culture. They said I caused stress and they were afraid I would cause her to miscarry. I am 57 yo mom of 4 boys & I dont have a relationship with any of them. But I understand its a fantasy of what she wishes she had done to spare me the next 20 years of domestic violence, that I never told her about until years after the divorce. She has recently been separated from her own husband. I lived through that pain and came out the other side and I never want to go there again. I would like to tell him wed like to know exactly what we say or do that frustrates him so that we can improve and we hope this new start will give him the experiences and tools he needs to go onto a happier life. Take care, Reading peoples situations. We are like comparing apples to oranges. So many of the parents I work with would give anything to be closer to their adult children. She knew I was right, and she turned so nasty and vindictive although there isnt anything actually nasty to say about me, the fact my mother was looking me in the eye and trying whatever it took to hurt me just did for me. And while theres no substitute for parents, I hope there are other people in your life who let you know how lovable and worthy you are. And, by the way: What do you really want? It would have immediately become a victimhood competition, just like my disability. I thought perhaps at this time in her life she might need me. I am a nurse by profession. It doesnt sound like youve done anything to deserve what youre getting here, and I dont know what else you can do to make things better. "I messed up and she won't talk to me" - 15 tips if this is you If she knows he lied to me then why is she punishing me? Many parents dont have that. Estranged parents think that their pride and an apology is not worth their kids, really. It never disappears completely, but my outlook is brighter than it ever was and generally Im happy with my life. I do have a little granddaughter though. They wont answer my pleas for an explanation or why would they follow my sister when they know shes a very difficult person. I feel so bad for young people falling into this remedy, it is not only ruining their lives, but draining them of their much needed money. Any advice on how to handle this meeting? i havent seen her in 18 years. She blames me for everything. He was another liar narcissist and I guess I was the usual codependent. I thought we had a good relationship, but beginning in Dec 2020, she began to change. I was his sole caregiver for many years. The best thing I can think of is exactly what I said to Julie yesterday (8/28/2016). In both cases I know I hurt them but I made the mistake of trying to explain whyand neither of them are speaking to me. Everyone s pain is valid. Tina keeps trying to bring the focus to self care because you truly are the only person you can control. You have to accept every single choice they make and love them anyway. Her Marine husband at 27 was killed 2 years ago. 20 Signs of Disrespect in a Relationship And What to Do Shes planning on dying. If you're in a romantic relationship, offer to go to couples counseling to learn . Adult children have lots going on in their young lives, and dealing with difficult parent-child dynamics often has to take a back seat to more pressing matters. Be more caring of her, more nurturing. She has told my brothers that she had no choice as I was acting crazy and they have been distant and angry with me. Making an effort, going out of your way to say or do something meaningful to the other person (rather than to you), will. But my daughter in law said they were sick of me analyzing their child. I want a relationship with her. I know shes grieving more than all of us combined, and I need to try without irritating her. If you cant see or speak with them you can practice sending love energy and visualise blessing them whenever they come to your mind. Maybe she is trying to die without me involved. Its so sad. Your life may look and feel different to you, but it will be yours to do with as you please. Beyond that, I have to refer you to my Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children. Then they stopped all contact with no explanation. Dr. Harriet Lerner covers the psychology behind apologies in her book, "Why Won't You Apologize? She started to put blame on herself that she has commitment issues and all. Its sad because I always ADORED my sister. However, I hope the Guide alone will provide enough suggestions to help you create the changes you wish to see in your relationship with your daughter. I have never asked her for anything, we had a lot of family secrets but she never ever really had a discussion with me. It has taken many years and an amazing therapy called EFT to be able to work out what was going on that always made be around my mother so destructive to me (and my, sadly now dead, sister) even as she always felt she was trying to be good. Nothing works and I just get ptsd and more estranged. We had not met my granddaughter. The oldest as my wife says will find out the hard way, when she runs out of friends to leach off of and will stand on her own or fail. You need to forgive yourself and get counseling. We went to a restaurant I picked as it was the kind of food I had been missing. I wish I knew what to tell you. At the 6+ year mark, we are virtually estranged. ME! I will be surprised if the relationship works, my son will be taken advantage of, but most of all Im concerned with his health & recovery. Do not misunderstand me here I love my family, always have, even when I did not receive it back. My daughter did not deny it. Its NOT easy, but I dont think estrangement is EVER the answer unless there is someone with a substance abuse issue or mental health issue that refuses help. I feel intent and circumstances should always be taken into account when we judge others. I can go to his house anytime, I watch the little grands for him and his ex at times. As if Im getting insane because she met me in a condition that was too difficult to forget the help she renders to me. They never invite us to celebrations and the same goes for family on my dads side. It wasnt something I discussed with her. Shortly after she told my son my daughter insulted her and he could not have a relationship with her. Anyway, it is all very hurtful because i thought my mother and i were so close. Hes had them both kicked out of countrys, hes been to rehab for behavior and drugs and never graduated high school. I am here for him whenever he wants to come back. Hi Tina, this was very helpful like many have said but most do not pertain to my situation. She is small minded not as an insult, but she literally seems incapable of understanding that her wants do not supersede my emotional and health needs. His choice, not hers. Edited in May 2020 to add: The Guide is now a full-length book. Seven years ago, my eldest brother married a woman who never seemed to like our family. And I know my ex is all for anything that will hurt me. Thank you Tina, your reply sharing your empathy was exactly what I needed. Growing up, I always had material things but you cant buy childrens love. She thinks its her way or be guilted/shamed and never seems to care about success. Have you ever told any of them to open their eyes and see the reality? The goal was to break the bond my son and I had according to my daughter in law. My brother just stood by silent. Its not a relationship I miss. Its not about the $$. It already hurts her how much distance there is. My mom did her best to make it work. The next time he wanted to visit his family, I said I couldnt go, I was too upset & was going to cry & embarrass my self. Always on egg shells. Anger is so intense and blame is all on us say family members who talk to us. I got so upset that he was taking his moms side, being angry at me because I was asking something of her that he felt she was not capable of giving. I would just like to know how to deal with this so that it is not an enormous, sad weight that I always carry. I adored her. i was like my mothers therapist. College was definitely a challenge as she is very much a loner. Her initial response was shock but she seemed supportive. Recently I talked to him (and tried to talk to her but she played the victim) asking how we could have some type of relationship. Please! He will talk to everyone else but me. My husband is 11 years older than me. That doesnt mean I dont love him but I know in my heart I have gone over and above trying to make our relationship work and thats another thing he cant take away from me. He wants NO contact. I want to walk through this together hand in hand and be there for her. Sometimes I see her on the chat so I try to have a conversation with her but she is literally coming up with millions of excuses. At some point they felt really devalued /attacked/unseen/betrayed/vilified/rejected etc by you. How much do you care, as you sit there with your hand on your cheek and your tooth aching like crazy, about the dentists problems?
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