I would research body language that conveys confidence and then try to implement it around colleagues both when speaking AND when youre not. Who gave you this feedback? You learn how to project your voice while sounding convincing, and how to walk that fine line between following a script and improvising when needed (i.e. Its a power / status move, in body language. By the time shes got a few months of that under her belt, she will feel so much more confident. Push back on you need to speak up. 1) Look for something like Toastmasters, or an into into Improv class they are all specifically about communicating and doing it well. Finally, be careful whom you practice withpeople with good intentions can give you poor advice that makes you self-conscious. Could you try to jump in every 3 or 4 (or whatever number feels comfortable) times that people speak, even just to verbalize something thats more of an internal thought or comment on the conversation? Yeah, thats me too. Hopefully some of this prep work will give you more to say in the meetings, but you can do the same thing reflecting and sharing your thoughts after the meeting. As for making a good first impression at your new job, can you set up 1:1 coffees/lunches with your coworkers to get to know them? Im also a petite, soft spoken woman and one thing that has surprisingly helped me is the video conference stuff that we are all doing during the pandemic. Regarding meetings, you can ask for the topic in advance. Turning up the TV doesnt help. I could have written this letter. The tone going down often works even at the end of questions. Also, if its in a meeting with other people, talking *just* for the sake of talking is literally wasting everyones time either to ask more relevant questions, or to end the meeting early if theres nothing more to do. Or do we think uptalk and creak make people sound less confident because they are used by young women? So much great advice on this thread which Ill be taking as well thanks to you all! When I would go into a meeting I tell myself I will speak up 3 times once I do that, I allow myself (i.e., reward myself) to be quiet. +1 for Quiet. We are all the same height on Zoom! Its context-dependent there are definitely meetings (usually ones with a lot of people, most or all of them more senior than I am) where I feel nervous about speaking but also plenty where I feel comfortable speaking but still seem to come across as timid. I realize this may be difficult if you are still WFH, but that kind of body language does still work on a Zoom call, as does making sure you are framed properly, that you are actively listening, and engaged with the content of the meeting. I find studying the agenda beforehand helps me prepare thoughts or remarks. The downside is X and Y, but are we all comfortable moving forward?. Toastmasters was good for practicing how to give a good speech with a flowing storyline. Looking at it from the point of view of establishing your presence in order to better put your serious points across later on helps not to see it as talking for the sake of talking. Put your coffee and notebooks in a wider circumference than you would naturally. So I try to work on body language similar to RC. :) Thats a really good episode though. Similarly, the nice person does not give feedback to other people. Having a naturally soft voice doesnt mean you cant learn to project, and having somebody you trust provide feedback should help reassure you that youre not shouting, if thats one of your worries. A lot of great points already. My husband has a complaint about one of the weather people on the local station. The point is give yourself freedom to speak more often by giving yourself permission to present partial thoughts. Just say something amplification and adding on and all the other tips here are great. I think this will get better with time, the past few years its been easier for me to speak up in meetings because I have a certain level of authority and knowledge. . And then it gets easier with practice. I have really bad anxiety issues that can sometimes be a really issue at work. However, since youre getting this feedback multiple times, its probably worth tackling. Raising your voice at the end of a sentence (like ending a sentence as though its a question) is also something that people hear as timidity or lack of confidence. And we were standing or sitting only 3-4 feet apart. Quite simply, when something is the focus of multiple performance reviews, tips and hints like wearing comfortable clothes arent going to make enough of a difference. As someone above said, I dont consider introvert = shy. I think the best Ive seen it in someone under 60 is probably Shami Chakrabarti (former director of Liberty and shadow Attorney General). Do you have a trusted co-worker whom you could ask to listen to you when you speak up in meetings or just listen to how you sound in 1:1 conversations at work, and ask them if they can point to anything in particular that strikes them as showing a lack of confidence or conviction? +1 My point is that I would be cautious that changing your tone will so anything, especially if your coworkers already have this precived idea that you are timid. Guys do this all the time (think man- spreading on public transport, etcthough there are otherreasons). Are you afraid of disagreeing with someone? But at the end of the day, having a POV in our industry is of high importance. Good luck! That shows engagement, too! 1) Others have recommended acting or improve classes, and I totally agree! Also, theres a lot of discussion about using a lower tone of voice (NPR host Terry Gross for example talks about doing it in her radio career), and if you want to try it, it can be coached and practiced. Try recording/really listening to how you speak are there filler words/phrases that you can drop? Shyness, on the other hand, is about fear. But I know that theyre not doing any favors for my image. Passive individuals create an environment where authentic feedback is not given or received. I feel you, i got nicknamed "Silencio" Spanish for quiet one. Honestly, I think what changed things for me was switching careers. I also make sure my body language conveys authority shoulders back and chin up with direct eye contact. This way you may come off as cooly confident and only speaking up when you have something important to say, as opposed to seeming timid or shy. I know voice coaching has helped a lot of folks, but also consider accepting the voice you have. This is a really common belief! If more professional workplaces encourage their employees to use mbti . did it make me want to be a public speaker? Some people like to brainstorm in meetings but other people do it well by themselves. Ill prepare sample-conversations in advance. Trust in your expertise and that your opinions are valid. So I know how tough it is! This teaches you what to look for. circle the room and get a drink (quiet time as a reward) I work in sales, a very extrovert and outspoken-dominant field. After taking martial arts, my posture improved, my confidence improved and although I dont speak more now than before, I speak more confidently. Are you just agreeing with others? The trainer said something that stuck with me for the rest of my career: Graciously accept feedback in the moment but always make sure to take it away and DECIDE if its worth listening to. OP, I have gotten similar feedback to you. To address it, I bought a work book for actors learning to project their voices and practiced the exercises on my morning commute for more than a year. I havent changed myself or made myself to match them, I have just adapted my behaviors a tad to boost my external confidence. I had to eliminate all softeners and qualifiers from my vocabulary back when I worked in call centers (whats hell for an introvert? Im in the introvert-dominant field of software development, but my tactic is to be louder in mediums that Im more comfortable with. Im dealing with this now as I just moved to a different team and theyre all more extroverted and talkative than my last team. Tried changing my tone, deepening my voice. Definitely dont let others speak for youa big pet peeve of mine! Silence and long pauses are when other people are thinking its ok if you make a statement and people marinate on it before responding. Speaking up in a meeting is certainly not the only way to participate and contribute, but since youre being evaluated based on how youre showing up its worth looking into. Oh, I agree, OP has to do what works best for them. Group convos were more challenging for me. Conviction is important (Ill get back to that), but in most situations when youre putting forward an idea (rather than answering a factual question), pretty sure is often enough. So dont even try to be an extrovert. It will probably be hard not to project more confidence with your voice and movement if youre speaking bolder words too. I get tongue tied in the moment. I told my new manager that I was sometimes perceived as shy, but that I was not shy, merely a quiet and attentive listener. Or lean forward, put elbows on table, steeple your fingers, like youre taking things in an synthesizing like mad. Im a MUCH better communicator now and SO much more outspoken than I used to be. Not to actually change their minds, but to shake up what they think of you. You may not use them at all, but if you do, then I recommend working on reducing these as much as possible. So, sometimes its not always you. Again, its not a conscious decision but just something I do and have always done but Ive been told by many people that thats the primary reason why I come across as forceful and confident my body helps speaking for me or something? While it all sounds like legitimate feedback, it could also be reflective of that specific office culture. At some point a mentor asked me, a little testily, why I did that since it just made me sound like I was trying to play down or undermine my own authority. Nothing teaches you to project like trying to perform Shakespeare a few hundred feet from a busy road. Im a small-framed disabled woman with a low voice, and this worked well for me in that context. When I first start a new job, Im certain that people think of me as quiet and reserved, and I suppose thats fair. Also, dropping your voice not putting on a fake voice, but speaking in the lower part of your range, can help as well. It gave me something to distract my concerns and it helped me to remember on the fact that the meeting was not going to go on forever, it would indeed end at some point. Youre female and no matter what you do, it will be wrong, and every performance review will include a character attack. My expertise and content havent changed, after all. I even used to work in advertising as well! Introverts can and do succeed in extrovert professions while still remaining authentic to themselves. I project, articulate and try to be as confident as possible. To add on to this comment, Ive found that even though I might not have much to say on a topic, I need to play the game a little bit in meetings. 3. Theres also a book called The Power of Voice by one such acting coach who works with a lot of famous actors that might be a good place to start if meeting with someone isnt a feasible option. A call center with angry customers who want answers right now) It is now the work pet peeve that people use so many self deprecating, softening, apologetic, and qualifying statements that undermine their performance at work- it becomes a sort of self fulfilling prophecy, and people expect that level of I know, Im not good enough to do this on my own after a while. I already try tactics like wearing the clothes that make me feel most confident and being one of the first to join meetings so I can make small talk with a smaller group first. How does that rate compare with others who are viewed favourably? It also helps that Ive reached that difficult age when Ive stopped caring whether people like me or not. improv class in collegedefinitely helped me get over some of my fear of making a fool of myself and people laughing because the class was 98% making a fool of ourselves and people laughing. Practice your jokes, practice your delivery, practice responding to possible objections. Shy people are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing in front of other people. Maybe knowing you will teach some of your extroverted colleagues not to jump to conclusions just because someone is quiet! You dont need to change your personality, just teach those around you that you are competent. They are secure 5. I like to say I like people, but people wear me out, which means I dont stay long at social gatherings. If you plan to speak at least once per meeting (or whatever), then during the meeting youll listen more actively, trying to find something to say. Hands too. Hiring a voice coach would be strategic, much like an actor hiring an accent coach. Amateur Singer. However, even if Im not the first to speak out during meetings or the loudest in the bunch, I make it a point to get to know and connect with my colleagues on a personal level. Personally, I realized I was in the wrong industry. how can I avoid getting my hopes up for a job Ive applied for? A lot of it comes with practice. A lot of it is just seasoning, which isnt actionable now, but perhaps it might give you hope. Also, I learned to start with I disagree, when I did, which really gets peoples attention and gets you the space to explain why. I love my family, but being around them all day makes me tired too. Sometimes we soften our words too much when trying to be polite or not come off as bossy. Unfortunately, cant control other peoples perceptions. I once mentioned in a mock interview that I am an introvert and the career counselor said, Ill stop you right there. This is something I see happen over and over I go into meetings that are all women frequently (I am on a team of admins and there arevery very few men) and every time the seats up front or next to the higher-ups are empty. Could you have added dry facts to bolster a point? These are cues in nature that youre a force to be reckoned with and it works subconsciously on the human lizard brain. Or whatever makes sense in your field. Theyre horribly awkward to watch or listen to, however, so be prepared for that mentally. I think that overtime, you will hopefully find that too. OMG, this exact same situation happened to me when I was in my twenties. Anyway, especially for smaller people and women, I think it could be a good reminder? A voice coach could help but I hate that there is so often considered only ONE WAY FOR WOMEN TO BE in the workplace. Giving yourself a very specific task before a meeting might help you get more comfortable speaking up! Very extraverted sales people. They are waiting for more information 6. Very loud extroverts. Think about how to be strong quiet rather than weak quiet. Certain people in meetings dont say much, but when they do, all ears aim towards them. If youre an autistic redhead, you must be pretty awesome, no Just about it! One of my supervisors commented in a meeting in front of everyone how surprised she was because I'm so shy. You can still be talkative and enjoy going to parties, however introverts also need alone time to reenergize. We would ALSO work on being confident about the way you ARE how to build a way of talking to your boss about how youre okay not being quite as big/loud/etc and being able to call attention to how your style works for X and Y. The funny thing is that Ive been hearing more and more about the importance of being thoughtful about what questions to ask when (e.g., is this something thats relevant to everyone, or can I take it offline with just one person?) Sometimes these happened organically, but sometimes Id tell a friend that I was having trouble in group conversations and ask if they could help. And I am also a very private person. Make a comment. If you were my client, Id be exploring with you the things that you DO care about, what you DO want to make sure you get heard on, and building your sense of how to do that in both conceptual and practical terms. Also good for stopping interruptions (point upward like one minute please), or for maintaining the floor while you think (point up or upright stop hand). They Can't Deal With Fear And Other Emotions. I have been a member since 2003 (not everyone ends up a lifer you can see benefits in a few months). I really think that flagging it for her as we got to know each other helped me to avoid being tagged as shy yet again. One can only say Im sorry; could you speak up? so many times, especially when it doesnt do any good. Good luck and give us an update when youre rocking your new job! Id seek to be that person, not the person who takes up the most space. Prosodic inflection is an incredibly useful linguistic technique because it draws the listener along with your sentence and keeps their attention better than monotone speech. Our personalities lend themselves to all sorts of different strengths, and being an introvert has strengths, not only weaknesses like some people like to believe. The question and your comment both remind me of a time in grad school when a professor told me that I should speak up more in her class. Once people become comfortable talking openly about these different working styles, its pretty easy to accommodate by letting introverts say, Id like some time to think this over after the meeting, and then they often come back to the group a couple days later with an extremely thoughtful email or proposal. While my industry is different (say, teapot glaze manufacturing supply chain) I too, am an introvert in a world of extroverts. :D, My alter ego is named Maxine Miranda. I love this and would love it to run across the bottom of the screen during our meetings. Us quiet people are very misunderstood and also underestimated. It wasnt for me and frankly, I couldnt be happier I left. Just make sure that you approach improv or any other drama class with the attitude that you are inevitably going to mess up and that it doesnt matter at all. If Id leaned in any closer, we would have been physically touching. Yes exactly I know it from singing a huge amount from about 8-25, though for the last fifteen years Ive done much more teaching, training and presenting. Keep your tone friendly. I dont know if I agree that gravitas = sexist. There is a lot you can do to overcome this and you have the perfect opportunity to start fresh at a new job. A pattern of not speaking up in groups is often due to a fear of being judged, a core belief that we're somehow flawed, and an underestimate of our social skills. Be empowered by that. For some reason, they see through any adult-perceived weirdness and you can gain confidence in using your voice and being yourself. Its apparently better to start with a harsh sound like BU-t dont you think? To interrupt. Men tend to do this without thinking. I think learning techniques for projecting a little more is a great idea. As an introvert to a fellow introvert, youll never escape the too quiet comment. Yes! I was so glad when we started WFH last year because at least then I could blame technology when I told her I couldnt hear her and she needed to speak up. I view my strengths in listening to all the talking from our more vocal team members and distilling it down to the most important parts. It might not be about what youre saying about work topics, even though the feedback is explicitly that. It takes LOTS of practice to learn how to speak an entirely new way. Maybe thats an option for you? Some companies even host chapters at their building, and some companies pay employee memberships. Pro tip: give them something trivial and obvious so they can feel good about themselves for pointing it out, then theyll miss the worse stuff! That way you can show your confidence early on and theyll know you more. 5. Ive tried a combination of approaches. I often dont speak in group meetings at all till Ive been on a team for months. who knows!). You can try things to influence their perception, but also keep in mind that a lot of this might not be so much about your personality or something youre doing wrong, but just your current circumstances. That makes some guess that we are their secret enemies. Answer (1 of 30): I'm usually quiet too. I noticed that meetings exhausted me, so part of my multi-step plan was to get some extra rest. While some people do find it annoying when overused, the rising tone at the ends of sentences comes from an effort to add prosody, or tonal arch, to a phrase. IMO its not an introvert vs extrovert thing (many introverts are just as vocal when necessary). All the advice is really helpful! Gravitas is a sexist concept that really means male. FYI. Some things that helped me (may not be suitable for others): I wrote and performed stand up comedy for a while. During meetings are you participating in discussions or waiting until someone asks for your opinion? That has helped boost her confidence and she has been speaking up more, knowing that there are others who have her back. Im not very talkative, but I am more willing to speak up than most of my coworkers, and sometimes I worry about dominating the conversation. OPs seemingly extroverted coworkers might actually be introverts who are good at the things they want to work on (or extroverts who are good at these things as well). However, these days Ill talk to almost anyone. Be brief, if its not your turn to speak, but say something to break the ice. Your voice will (metaphorically) grow louder naturally as you gain experience and a sense of authority in your profession. I spent so much time in my 20s writing and talking like this. Overview Consider two children in the same classroom, one introverted and one shy. But Ive also been successful, largely by playing to my strength of building one to one relationships, demonstrating reliability and high quality work. LW says theyve been told Im too quiet, I need to contribute more in meetings, I need to be bolder/have more gravitas/show more conviction. Im very introverted, but Ive never been told any of these things, frankly the opposite, and had to learn to reign myself in a bit. I absolutely take up more space in the former situation, and will keep myself and my stuff much more contained in the latter. Start out by supporting others ideas (genuinely and with specifics). Im *warm* to everyone Im not looking to make enemies, of course but if my opinion or expertise is called for, I dont tiptoe around that. Actually, I talked the most of anyone in that class! Uptalk? In my experience there's nothing you can say that will instantly reverse their opinion of you. Practice! First, make sure you ALWAYS have a question or comment ready to share, in every presentation and every meeting, even if nothing comes to you naturally and you have to brainstorm an idea. Do you feel that youre on equal level with everyone else in the meeting or are you prone to imposter syndrome? It does not have to be the deepest thing ever. This could be asking questions or recapping key points in a meeting (Let me repeat back what Im hearing). It helped, and also the silly happy face amused me. OP, is there any way youd feel comfortable going to those managers (current or former) and asking for concrete examples? The lower pitch will help the voice project and will help people concentrate on what youre saying. You dont mention being nervous, but if thats part of it, I recommend developing a philosophical distance from work. It may be worth practicing a few stock phrases before you speak so people NOTICE: Id like to add something: Or, opening ones arms to show inclusion of the group when you want to address them. Shyness is the fear of negative judgment, and introversion is a preference for quiet, minimally stimulating environments. Taking some public speaking classes also helps, I did that a few years ago too! They are self-reliant. Other quiet people in meetings become background. Maybe try disagreeing or challenging people more? It teaches you a lot about voice, etc. When you do take part in a discussion, make sure you have value and something interesting to say. How often do you feel you have something to say? Sometimes it means taking the time in the meeting to process whats being said and doing some active synthesis on the spot OR saying I need to think about this, let me come back to you. If you have awareness of those options going in, it will help you make choices about behavior and speech in the moment. Take up more physical space. Thats valuable information too, just of a slightly different expectation on participation. I wish I had a few more coworkers who would contribute less in meetings so we could be done with them sooner. (Dont share this externally, of course!) How can I change this? Since then, Ive kept to my chest voice and just projected smile behind it when I want to set people at ease. If you have a good relationship with these folks, you might even be able to pick their brain for tips over a quick coffee chat. Or if you have a similar experience as what someone else is talking about you can back them up. Comes in clutch in large groups more often than youd think. Im also an introvert, and I can be shy when Im first in a new situation/environment. But Ive become _very_ good at playing it on TV, and Ive helped coach others in similar situations. Try it out for yourself next time. Force them to have to think. Shes super self-confident and takes no shiz from anyone. Thats fair, but its also up to OP how much they want to push back. Its an excellent book on introverts in an extrovert culture. sit down at a dinner table with strangers and start a conversation with at least one person I totally agree! Yup, Im not a shy person but I am quiet in meetings so I wont mess up. And I believe that some of the career advice we hear, that you are in charge of your own career and you need to do more to gain visibility to senior leadership blah blah blah is just a shirking of mentorship responsibilities that is a cover for oppression. So, in a sense, it feels like we have been right all along and the world is catching up. If I did not get the extra rest the night before the meeting, I made sure I got it the next night. Some gyms are very focused on getting that happy, healthy mind that comes from regular adrenline-fueled endorphine lifts, and those are the gyms that help the most. I started dictating memos to myself about work and then listening to them later. You just have to own it and tell them youre introverted. Answer Honestly. Put your coffee and notebooks in a wider circumference than you would naturally. Could not agree more. I get the impression that its often the introverts that have to make an effort, so I appreciate extroverts trying to understand us! I plan to ask for a list of people it would be good for me to meet and then see them one on one as soon as possible after starting as I know that will make me more comfortable in bigger meetings. Obviously, as the meeting progresses, some questions may be answered , so I cross those out and jot down the answer. Princess Anne has the same quality and Kate Middleton is developing it rather well. 6. Dont apologize or soften your ideas. I really like the idea of being the first one to speak after any questions? its something Id normally run a mile from so would probably make me come across quite differently! Hard, especially if you werent socialized to compete this way when young, but maybe worth trying. I still have a soft voice and in fact teach a yoga class where my biggest feedback is how soothing my voice is. I do all of this as well, and also learned a lot of the tricks through theater. What about the time or language structure of your comments how do they compare? A friend of mine hired a speaking coach to help her learn to speak more forcefully, so perhaps reach out to the acting community? Feeling rested, or knowing I could have extra rest later, did make a difference for me. A simple one is the frozen hand gesture. So shall we revisit it next time with that information, or does anyone else want to try another tack?. I am extremely quiet but I am not shy. I have gone into meetings and said to a friend, I want to talk about x, if my tail starts dragging, will you chime in? (This is where I know we both agree on x.) Also, get rid of in my opinion, as it may make you sound uncertain. They are feeling tired or under the weather 7. If. 3) Dont be afraid of asking a stupid question or being wrong! If you've always thought that you were shy, but you're not afraid of being around people, check out this list of 24 signs that you are actually an introvert: 1. Yeah. I know the above tip likely seems silly, and perhaps isnt fair that we have these perceptions, but on a subconscious level it really does convey authority, and there are a lot of tips like that out there. Introverts prefer conversations with substance over small talk. I do a lot of listening in meetings, and sometimes Im so caught up in listening that I forget to analyze and form opinions about what is being said and how it affects me and my work. Even you hate small talk, ask about weekend plans, the big game, or their pets or kids. made a heckuva difference to my ability to speak up and be more confident. THIS TOO. Once I did all of my tasks I would reward myself by allowing myself to leave the event. I dont conflate introvert with shy, though, or being intimidated by my coworkers/those more senior than me.
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