I have stop working full time and enjoy working part-time as I am sick of seeing our hard earn cash being blindly splurged into HIS hobby. Chances are, they want to have a healthy relationship too, so speak the truth lovingly as you let them know what you need. Contact, Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counselors can't be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marriage system in existence.Become a Facilitator >, #1 New York Times best-selling authors of the award winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Met the turd i was 23 he was going on 33now hes 62 this year.obsessive at first about money was really nice for a good few years sort of I had two boys hes no kids. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Hes got friends and people who pay him 20 there 50 here. get out because you cant change the man, they got to change themselves. Hobbies just give. He drops everything for a sail and spends so much $$ on it very selfish. But no matter how much I go its never good enough. My boyfriend is obsessive about dancing. I was way too bitter and resentful but I made sure he knew how I felt. Im sadly in the same boat tho my husband uses the car thing as an excuse. Jae Im sorry and know how you fell. Would welcome a hobby widow (widower) club if one existed wed all have something in common . We will be married l0 yrs in 2021 and he can go as I will qualify for survivorship benefits on SS. Hes finally realized that it wasnt fair for him to go all the time so he stays home on Thursdays while I ride. If he is unstable you definitely don't want him to know you are moving out or where you are moving too. and our I almost feel like I should quit my job so I can save our marriage and just be his playmate. Hes does on occasion do some laundry for me or pick up groceries. But also you need to ask your daughter how she's taking these fights, now that she is 15 and old enough. Tonight I called him when the our water softener wasn't working because he had let it run out of salt again.He was out looking at lots because he wants to build a house to sell. They were feeling lonely, hurt, or frustrated about the time and attention they were (or rather, weren't) getting from their spouse, and were starting to feel like hobbies were going to mean the downfall of their marriages. Their advice was this: if I stayits my choice. Hes always telling me to get out of the house and go do something but I dont want to. I am fed up! It is a give and take scenario, a balance, showing love and support for one another. He went, and spent the entire time on the couch trying to get ball games on the TV. We've known each other for more than 50 years and have been married for 10 years now. Now over 50, both of us realize that there is not enough energy or time in the day to do everything & that we need to let go of some things before we lose our marriage. We combine NOTHING. I have visions of us moving in together and this being a constant frustration. I appreciate it. This hobby as far as i am concerned was a deal breaker and i am glad the stuff is out of the house i have always thought it was bad luck and had bad energies attrached to it. My motorcycle has become a root problem in our relationship. It is very hard to deal with this . He of course took offense to that which I dont blame him. Ive started therapy. While it can make life interesting to be married to someone who is so deeply engaged with an activity they love, it can quickly become difficult. I told him that when i agreed he could do league I was under the impression that it would be a once a week thing and that is it. HOWEVER, this has changed drastically since covid. He actually has a Ferrari, Nissan 350z, Nissan 300, truck and car hauler, boat and side by side. Please research aspergers syndrome. They want a wife and kids and house but want their wife to take care of all that. Hope things are better for you. I massively reduced the plans and costs when we found out we were expecting) Its not on the road as every time its mentioned I stop work. I literally LOLd with a tear at both of your comments. Ill be praying for you and your family and that your husband can learn how to make you all a priority instead. On top of that we moved repeatedly so that he could remodel a new house. In general, he is happy with me being around, but he probably worries I can hurt myself. Its just so hard to think of walking away from someone that you love, but hes addicted and obsessed with everything but me!!! He is otherwise a great man or I wouldnt have stayed. Please pray that I can share my feelings in a gentle and humble way and that we can come up with some possible solutions to make the most of our time together while still giving her her needed time with her phone. sounds like you are doing/planning the right thing-----I agree that you should do it in "stealth" mode. I just don't know how long I put up with this? I get so mad when he tells me that because honestly, I dont have any hobbies! My husband is an addict. so ridiculous it drove me insane, he would be on his phone and i pad all weekends and talk to people that collect on the phone that he has never met in real life and he would take life advice from these guys. He thinks I should always come out there. I was relieved because it had consumed so much of his time in the past. I have a horse and I go to the barn when Im more likely to run into other boarders. He doesnt really give me an answer. Richard Bach said, "Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. No use arguing no use discussing he promises and lies. Please pray for our marriage and for me to be able to speak to him kindly and lovingly. Snap. We have now been married for 11 years and have two daughters ages 7 and 5. This group of idiots expect us to drive the 150 miles each way every weekend to "sit" with mom and we have every weekend this year but two. I also tried to compromise & he promised to have more balance but thats impossible. Couples r I thought an abbreviation of my business name for a return address was a good idea. 1 month ago 3 horses made their way back into our barn and all of a sudden money is there to buy new equipment, feed, trailerand i just look in the mirror wondering why i wasnt worth spending money on. Hello, D.! A British mum who abandoned her children to marry an Arab toyboy she met online has told how she was stranded penniless in Tunisia for two years after he dumped her. . I know this is easier said than done, but we are gonna try to implement this over the coming weeks/months. This is not something you can just do here and there, pick it up drop it etc etc. God Forbid I don't Package that catch up right!!! I am on the opposite side of this issue. Ive asked him to take a short nap when he gets home so we can spend a nice evening together, but he refuses to do this. Oh my goodness,this is my life with my husband,24hours a day,7 days a week all he thinks about is his car& I have totally been pushed to the side.I have cried so much because I feel so rejected. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . What do you think is a normal amount to spend on a hobby? Hes currently working on call so if hes off work and the sun is shining he is itching to get to the course. I want to be connected with him I want to share time with him. I have recently started pour painting. Hes obsessed and it takes over the entire summer (spring and fall) which used to be my favorite season. I am in the same situation. My fiance and I came to fight night in Feb of 2016. She always said she wanted to write. No way! They dont understand its not a womanits mountains, and airplanes, and cars and anything he likes doing. Ive invested my owm money into his passion for so many years. i went homeless because i left mine, i didnt care but a month later i remarried and now im happier then ever , you got to takes chances and go for it otherwise your not living your just surviving , live your life and take back your control. Then he goes on that evening like nothing ever happened. When he is deployed he would make purchases and send them to the house and i had to open the boxes and show him the stuff when it came in, i always thought that was very selfish of him due to the fact that we have children that need to be tended to no this hobby stuff. Over the ten years that he raced his kart he spent an average of ten thousand dollars a year on it. My biggest worry is she wont want to have children because she wont be capable of taking the time off riding. When he goes he is gone for 3-5 hours at a time. Its such a relief that Im not the only one trying to work through this. If I said anything I was "not interested in the Lord's work". OH well. This has started this summer and at first I felt like supporting him to take time to do a hobby but he has enjoyed it so much it's turned into what I've described above. This is really nice work done by you. He cant even get around to doing the yard because hes fishing. He says just tell me when & well go. I've asked thousands of men about this. and career change plans (opening a wine bar, becoming a Japanese . However he uses it as his escape and what used to be fun is an obsession. BUT weve been married for 10 years and both of us are engineers. I dont think someone should give up what they love to make someone else happy. Blog He LOVES CYCLING. incredible information yu just shared in your blog, thank you. My children love him, he is a good man, kind, notice I left out loving, because his love of life is sports. Fast forward 13 years. I could have written them myself. I am really satisfied with this posting that you have given us. I have also prayed for wisdom and renewal o four love relationship, as sometimes it just feels like we run our business as partners but only live as room-mates. Its just too much. I tried to do it lovingly with positive words trying to reassure him that I dont want him to give it up completely, just scale it down a bit, but he rolled his eyes and said So youre gonna start that again? So what do I do? how many empty threats can I make before it makes no effect? Besides being addictive on its own, golf includes other addictive behaviors: gambling and alcohol. After 6 years of college, he drove a truck, mainly, I believe, because he could not watch sports if he worked a 9-5 job. You oversimplify this hobby obsession problem by assuming the unhappy spouses are boring and frigid. He has turned his back on me and it is hard to forget. WHY? I feel like Im his sponsor. Yaim so lost right nowI feel like I dont know him anymore. On to of that, Im pregnant with our first child And I definitely feel like Im doing this alone. The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. If your spouses favorite hobby or activity has stolen them from your marriage, it may be time to address the issue and set some boundaries. A lot of you have it way worse than me but now at least I understand it a bit better. I cycle too, but I stay home with my 2 girls while he goes riding. It was a relationship builder for the men in the family that created lots of good stories and campfire memories. He plays golf two days a weekTuesday and Saturday. I need to step up and continually chase and court her, forever. But, you better believe that he wants instant attention when he wants something. Same as you said to there is no time for me to have leisure time. Se has one sister who is a classic narcissist and feels that somebody has to be with mom for every meal every day. I have told him many times, the Cardinals, Blues, etc will not care or even have a moment of silence when he passes,. Shelly says: My husband is easily bored so he makes projects out of things that arent all that necessary. I think I have standing because my husband's hobby killed him. So now I dont even go out there anymore. Im not sure if this is a case where I should just suck it up and focus on family, convince myself that family is great, or if Im not cut out to be part of a family. That doesn't mean you won't find someone whom you love and are passionate with. This is being gone every night 8:30- 9 pm. I get so mad when he tells me that because honestly, I dont have any hobbies! My question is, how do I approach him now without him immediately becoming defensive? I am feeling like there is no hope and that I should just give up . Ultimately he chose himself and his stuff over us and gave up and ran away like a little boy would, he picked up his toys and left, COWARD!! I am not separated from my husband while living in the same house but soon will be moving. She continues to make me feel like crap because I am choosing to do something with my time, and I dont feel like it fair or right of her to not be supportive of the things I want to do. Its the one thing I want for myself, however as we are saving for a house she sees it as a drain on resources. Has she ever written? It feels like hes my Dad sometimes. Am I making too much of this? Nice theory but you are off base. He was still trying to be the perfect gamer while also trying to be the perfect boyfriend. But theres a very fine line between enjoying as a hobby & addiction. He says no its not worth it. I had a very addictive personality and found if hard to not be all or nothing when I took on a job or hobby. I told him NOT to open up credit cards but now he has 5. I feel stifled and sure that he thinks this is our thing. He also couldnt take me out to dinner that night. He is just married to his schedule and his pursuits. Im not sure all this gentle approach stuff works enough. My practicing is down to 45 minutes once or twice a week. She has a 8yo and we have a 4 month old. I go golfing with my husband and go to car events with him as well. #fibroid I can spend it any way I want. I explained my concerns when we were pregnant with our daughter, and he said he understood. For one, the main thing that brought us together and helped create so many wonderful memories has been replaced by him having fun instead with friends and not me; two Im not getting to enjoy skiing anymore or as much as I would like because I dont have the skills to keep up or maybe even embarrass him, and three, I honestly fear he might leave me for some female that is an exceptional athlete and who he admires or has more in common with than me. When we got into our relationship i knew he loved baseball but he also showed me the love and time that i needed to keep going forward with his baseball. This is our constant fight. Weve spoken about it so many times but none of it seems to sink in. Hes going to retire soon and oh my god I feel its going to get worse. I was obviously upset that he started planning this big project wihout consulting with me but he assured me that it would be something he does in his spare time.well if I knew spare time means he spreads out outdoor chores over the course of the entire weekend so that he doesnt have to leave the house and in between he works on the truck in the driveway I never would have agreed. I knew he had his own hobbies and activities but he didnt seem at all obsessed with them. My husband of 5 years is now obsessed with disc golf. [Fixed Link] imgur This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast 2.6K 1.7K 1.7K comments Best alternateme 10 yr. ago Are they real teeth? Or perhaps your wife loves to paint while listening to classical music. I cant even call it a hobby. Im tempted to quit work after I deliver so he doesnt have my income anymore and has to take a more serious look at our finances. Youll be free to feel more enthusiastic about your spouses hobby because youll feel like theres a part of them reserved for you. DO any of you, have any Hobbies? Hes not going to change or slow down. We sleep separately, no point in sleeping in the same bed with a creepy old fella that cant even bear to touch you let alone look at you, My husbands model building car obsession which now consumes him, began early in his childhood, sadly. New method to determine sex of skeletons. I do not have a hobby or passion like he does. And, as other women mentioned going to car meets constantly, gets to a point where it is mind-numbingly boring. I know it sounds silly, but she gets upset about it and says things like your precious yard is more important than me, tells me she is bored, and just becomes bitter. June 4, 2019 at 8:48 am He also plays video games. Hes hot a very demanding job, has 30 acres, hot rods, skid steer, excavator, fifth wheel, side by side, large detached garage, 2 shedsand always looking for more to purchase and more projects. My guess is youll never have to worry about these conversations. He was my rock when I cared for my dying parents for the last 3 years. He used to direct an orchestra and write the parts. Infact hes out now more than ever. I just discovered that he spent my inheritance from my recently deceased parents on hunting and the other woman. He says he is provider and I could do what I want with my time . It has definitely caused a huge rift in my marriage. If you do not come first from day one. I want to be able to belong to the band as an individual, not part of a couple. He comes home from work and straight to the garage. When we met I was a fairly successful semi-pro musician successful enough to be on national radio and known internationally and it was seen as being attractive to my then girlfriend who said she understood all the implications of it. When I lost my job and entered a graduate program I had lots of free time. Yes, my husband is a car fanatic, maxed out on credit cards due to expensive car parts, car shows, etc. Whether its cars, golf, music I go to the gym daily but I know my priorities. I had to do the same thing once, and it is like pulling a thorn from soft flesh, it hurts, but once its gone it gets better. I ask him to go do things together to make sure he knows I want to spend time with him. I am feeling like there is no hope and that I should just give up . Want to guess how long that lasted? He replies at great length about where he went, how far he went, and gives measurements about what he saw. To the entire group. Plus i get fustrated because he's not even doing this for money or a career just for fun! Eliza didn't know where to turn for help when she found out about her husband's sex addiction. If you need to talk to her while she is on the phone try sending her a text message and ask for a date or appointment. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Now we live separately I have my house. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I feel like my job is literally 24/7, 365, where us his 40 to 50 a week. He turned it around and told me to come with them then. Think about that. I could go on and on the bottom line is nothing I do is right and he always concentrates on the negative. Her youngest sister is a lazy and selfish with a lifetime of bad decisions and is recently widowed. Little do they know the bullying that goes on behind the scenes to their mother. He does not participate in any sport outside our home. I am in the same fishing boat ladies. I have a question. Very important! These are things I can not join him on, physically its too hard. My husband was very attentive during the courtship period. I just had a massive argument with my husband over the fact that I cant even plan something nice for his birthday because he is always racing. Their opinion was that I suffer abandonment issues and CPTSD. Fuming about your husband or wife taking time for their hobby isnt going to do you any good, so find ways to enjoy yourself instead. Playing or practicing at least 3 nights a week and playing tournaments every weekend that take up almost all of the weekend. I can tell you all right now, anyone who fills their schedule up with things to do, is actually tell you they dont want to do you, and pretty much wanting out or starting to, and is then stringing you along. Not only do I feel neglected, cuz he is too tired to give me affection but he has energy for his hobby? We are a family with 4 children (17,11,3,1), been married for 5 years. He rarely asks me about my work, and he is certainly not prepared to listen to me go on at great length. Im retired, and our two adult kids still live with us. A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. My husband of 7 years is obssessed with playing softball. When you bring up your lack of emotional connection to your husband, it's important not to play the blame game. I don't mind him doing his own thing, I just wish he wasn't away doing it for 6-10 hours at a time. This will help them feel like theyve still got freedom to spend time on their hobby, but now they know what your desires and and what is expected of them. Am I being selfish? For more information, please see our I have kids and I dont want a broken home. Im physically and emotionally exhausted and Im not sure where to turn to. Hubby takes me /picks me up from practice and uses his waiting time to o meet up with a mate. But mutual respect for ones passion should also be respected in my circumstances anyway. Make him want to want you, or stop being selfish and stopping him for doing something he enjoys, get your own hobby, youll be surprised when hes struggling to get time from you instead. He also counts steps religiously. But while things dont look good, I havent told him this is a problem for me, to give him a chance to respond. When we first married, over 35 years ago, hunting was something he did once or twice a year with family, usually after thanksgiving festivities. There must be one somewhere. My advice would be to get a jogging stroller and go along ;-) If your children are older, have them walk. He says "then I will sell my stuff and not fish ever again" - no compromise. I want more balance, and I want him to lose his smug attitude. Learn More >, SYMBIS Assessment | Loveology | Drs. Which sounds like a bad thing . This past Sunday I got mad at him when he asked to go and I said that this has become is new computer game that he is obsessing with and it is seeming more important to him than his family. This past Sunday I got mad at him when he asked to go and I said that this has become is new computer game that he is obsessing with and it is seeming more important to him than his family. 1.8k. Money Problems: Married to a Cheap, Selfish Husband - One Frugal Girl Money Problems: Married to a Cheap, Selfish Husband Yesterday I opened my inbox and found an email with the subject line "Selfish Husband" waiting for me. He doesnt spend quality time with me or the kids anymore. If anyones spouse/partner are obsessed to the point of ignoring you or their children and other responsibilities they have. I dont think talking with your husband only about his interest and support him will ever make a wife happy. Dont believe that your spouse needs trips and escape weekends that dont include you. so the whole obsessed thing w fish boils down to a little boy in a mans body. Always alone and its always about the sports/hunting/him. After all, he works all week and the evenings are filled with making supper and bathing children, etc. What I need is a way to cope. Whatever you do, give yourself something to look forward to! You should find an Autism disorders family support group. during the week while were at school. After a good talk, he agreed to give us another shot, and to try marriage counseling. Even as a married couple before having kids he would have project cars that he would spend every evening and weekend outside with while I was inside alone and pregnant. Glad Im not married to you. Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. As a husband with a hobby. His jobs arent the type where you take your work home to do. When we were dating it was a computer game and as silly as it sounds, it came down to me or the game because he would invite me over to watch a movie but he would sit at his computer and game out while I was supposed to watch the movie. It is a deflection from engaging in real life and acknowledging the people you love because it can be considered a "healthy" hobby. Divorce is not to be taken lightly but when someone is completely absent from the marriage its time. He made a huge show of telling . his email is.. drncube03@gmail.com Ive wasted 25 years of my life on this BS and Im so sick of it. alot has change now i feel like Im back in my marriage of 13 years that i had to get away from. Always. He is so closed to life, we never travel together, he stays home to watch sports. To point now, he doesnt bother asking he just does it, its an addiction not a hobby anymore, if hes not racing at regionals or nationals all over the place. He even orders for his friends RC boats and expects me to pay for them out of my money until they pay him back. I just cant get over the resentment. In the beginning we did stuff together, but it mainly revolved around him. I hope you can get them to go to counseling and learn more about what it takes for a successful marriage. This seems more like an act of jealousy and control. My husband travels at least 3 days a week every week. Last week, within 5 days, he went to two parties and spent one day, all day, doing a car thing. He will stay out in the garage till 3am sometimes. Its a cheap bike, I have worked out monthly excluding fuel (which will come out of my own money, & saves the car) costs will be less than 30 per month. No. ", 5 Things You Can do When Hobbies Threaten to Overtake Your Marriage, 3 Reasons to Keep Trying to Be Intimate with Your Partner, Doing Things Your Lover Loves Because You Love Your Lover, How to Create Bedtime Rituals That Will Nurture Your Marriage. Consequently, I may get home in the early evening and my husband is furious that Im home so late and dinner is late. revolves around them. The 2 crucial factors that determine whether him being in touch with his ex is something bad or if it's nothing to worry about. However, he quickly became obsessed and wants to meet up with the guys to play every chance he gets. Written by Deji Akingbade My wife and I have a wonderful and happy marriage. I wish I had known about all this before I married him. My wife is supposed to be SUPPORTIVE and respect the hobbies and things I like to do, as long as it is within reason and leaving room for family and date nights which should come first. My husband told me get a hobby Yesterday at 10:12 AM I had to leave at 6am for a Dr appointment and in my sleeping slumbe . Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. I feel like Im not even in a relationship anymore. what are you doing that is so interesting that I should spend time with you? He spends two nights a week playing on different leagues as well as a couple Saturdays a month along with tournaments. I relate to this so much! Its scary but whats the other alternative lay down and the book closes on your ending just like that? I didnt realize there were so many people in this situation. So the situation is you literally have to give everything up youve committed serious years of your life to or have no relationships.because quality time sat vegging for hours and hours in front of a telly that happens to be in the same room as your wife is supposed to be a good use of your time. So I sit and wait (for his one or two days home)in the same house, wondering if new paint would cheer me up.
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