Its as if having a family ended any fun for him. How profound. My husbands whore weighed roughly a hundred pounds MORE than me. Pre-affair I was as guilty as anyone. What do you do when your spouse doesnt want to spend any free time with you? Attorney Eve Tilley-Coulson says she's willing to pay $5,000 to whoever finds her a husband. My husband hates me. Oh, I know, EG. was I the one responsible for what I did? That happens because, on a deeper level, we don't want to . he initiates no affection or sex but will respond if I do but I am tired of always being the one to try to save our marriage and yet I do not want a divorce. But you already know that, lol. Im 66, hubby is 73. It might be time to rethink your role in the relationship. During the 1980s, this phenomenon was dubbed "Peter Pan syndrome." I need to get that back, John and chiff, I need to start feeling good about myself again. He still doesnt do hobbies, hang out with friends, do guy things or have a desire to do anything with me. Mumsnet carries some affiliate marketing links, so if you buy something through our posts, we may get a small share of the sale (more details here). Plan a weekly date night where you go out to dinner or see a movie, Go on weekend trips together even if its just for a few hours, Make time for a weekly game night or hobby night, Exercise together this can be anything from going for a walk to playing tennis. I think I need to do the same, start giving myself the self respect and stop basing it on my h assessments of me. When trust and respect start to disappear, attraction is reduced. So even things like planning a holiday or a nice day out becomes a chore, the fun is sucked out of it, even though he enjoys it when we eventually go. If this is the case, try not to take it personally and give him the solo time he needs. Perhaps the main reason behind my husband thinks he does nothing wrong is the need to defend himself. Prior to having children, we had an active social life. Arent all of you lucky:). Not until later on the drive home did I learn what the gals were chatting about. He wants people to think he is better than they are, and that includes you - especially you. When you think about it, it makes sense. Those were the words that one of our friends told Linda recently. Yes, this is selfish behavior but we ALL have our emotional limits. She was not invested like I was. 13 Signs of a Narcissistic Husband The following traits are good signs that your husband may be a narcissist: 1. I was thinking, I wonder how my h would like to see me in those clothes, all vintage like. He didn't do it with his mates before me. No matter how much our friends love each other and they do they are not immune to boredom. They are selfishly seeking attention, with NO intention of giving up their real relationship. The affair has changed that for me. I also remember a few years ago my husband saying he would honor his boring commitment. Guess The Turd does more interesting things like eat sushi, try to look phat and fresh, and try to be a hipster. Save Your marriage today! This will give you a sense of self-fulfillment, but it will also make you more attractive to your husband so you wont be worried and constantly think: My husband never wants to do anything with me. When youre content with yourself, youre less likely to demand constant attention, giving him the breathing room he needs. Its called denial and justification and it is a POWERFUL thing. Agree to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going. 20 Signs of Disrespect in a Relationship And What to Do Updated May 17, 2023 by Regain Editorial Team A successful marriage will most likely be built on signs of love and communication, and not disrespectful communication. Suggest ways to wind down together after a long day instead of just vegging out in front of the TV. He's never been a mad party animal or anything, but it just seems like he never wants to do anything with me anymore, while he busts a gut to do things for other people. And that goes right to the heart of why so very few people actually DO leave. Now shes pregnant (its mine) and I dont really have a choice. 1. What a crock! On the other hand, Linda read some book ( I think by Suzanne Somers) that claimed much of the fuddy-duddyness in men stems from a lack of testosterone. Click Here. Told me why now when he doesnt care. Someday shell wake up. Im in the best shape of my life and I blame the dirtbag she affaired with for that, not that hes better looking than me by any means, but the second I picture his face and dream about ripping him limb from limb my workouts get very intense. Plus, itll give you some time to pursue your own interests instead of thinking for hours: My husband never wants to do anything with me.. Ok fine. if we do go to a wedding as it is an obligation he will sit and not speak to anyone and always wont to leave early. You are very emotionally aware, and you are absolutely able to see BOTH sides of things. You are in this together, so it's just right that you work towards your goals. No way to win with this guy. He hasnt changed a whole lot since we started our family. She is also a very nasty person and looking like Miss America couldnt compensate for her internal self. Thank you exercise grace and for cryinoutloud, I appreciate your kind words. I can see how my h would prefer to forget. On the contrary, everyone needs quality time with their loved ones. I felt gutted. Its control, but only when he sees me doing things that dont involve him. Focus on yourself instead. All for some worthless, bunny boiling slut. I hope that eventually you can look back on your marriage and not look at it as wasted time. Just a little! The truth lies in the middle, where two selfish people made themselves look like all that and they were both stupid enough to think that someone who was willing to lie and deceive their spouse would magically be some honest, ethical person with THEM. I feel like I need to turn into a stepford wife. the list goes on and on and on. It was certainly different from our normal family life. During our false R, I too felt like a fool, like I was being used. You can also look for ways to connect during the day, like taking a walk together or sharing a coffee break. d. regardless of what others choose, I can still choose to be a happy person. she had destroyed my confidence in our marriage.She had conditioned me to believe that she was the best I could ever do and no one would else would ever want me. Best wishes Rachelyou have won what is most important to you!!! #10: You're blamed when things go wrong. Men typically communicate in short direct ways, while women weave in more details and longer flowing volumes of communication. I have to keep reminding myself that he needs time to adjust to the fact that life has changed. I love to be out and do fun things from traveling to movies to concerts etc. Exploring the Different Types of Relationships, What to Do if My Husband Is Yelling at Me: Reasons and Solutions, Top Tips for Planning an Affordable Yet Wonderful Honeymoon. My major flaw is that Im fat. He wont engage in a lively discussion with me, but he sure and hell can talk for 2 hrs on the phone or with neighbors. Everywhere you look there are things telling us how to be hotter in the bedroom, cook healthier more exciting menus, pick up thrilling new hobbies. If you suspect this is the case, youll need to have a serious conversation about whats going on and how its affecting your relationship. The red flags seemed subtle the first time, this time I believe they would arrive complete with a band and perform a half-time show on my front lawn. Bring up the possibility of couples counseling. I finally admitted to myself that I married a really boring person. If your husband is cheating on you, its crucial to confront him and figure out what to do next. BUT I am so happy that this is FINALLY coming to closure for you. I ask because I feel exactly the same way as you. Im sure my husbands girl friend was skinny and she really does think she is superior based on that. This blog post will discuss the ten most common reasons why your spouse might not want to spend time with you and what you can do about it. I have said to him more than once that I dont know who I am anymore. When he retired, I thought, Yay, maybe now he will relax enough to enjoy life together. But as I have found out, it didnt change a thing. Yes! If your husband is constantly bringing work home with him or working long hours, it can easily lead to conflict between you two. Cheated twice? I try to engage him and put energy into our relationship and it helps for a few days then he is back to doing nothing. However, it's also a convenient excuse for your husband to avoid spending any time with you. Some of the big realizations I have had in this post affair phase are: a. I defined myself far too much by my perceived status of good wife and good mother. First, try taking a more proactive approach by planning fun activities that you can do together. It is now scheduled for this Thursday . So this concerns me a bit. One thing that has changed a bit is that she no longer wants to have that role so much any more. Keep your chin up girl, we are all rooting for you! Rachel When hes wrinkly, shriveled, and losing his faculties he will know in his heart and probably mind too that he caused destruction. 21 Worst Signs Your Husband is Emotionally Unavailable Written by Jeff Campbell in Save Your Marriage There's nothing worse than being in a relationship or a marriage but feeling more alone than ever. PREGNANT AND AWAITING MOTHERS - 4TH JULY, 2023 STAY CONNECTED AND BE BLESSED #zionprayermovementoutreach #zpmom #zionprayermovementoutreachlive. To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. Misunderstanding Communication -Men and women have different communication styles, and it leads to challenges. Also, the 21st birthday of my oldest son. I also lived in constant fear that she would get bored again and run back to him. ALWAYS. Ohh and the funny thing is, she wasnt on anything for depression. If youre the type of person who gets insecure and jealous when your partner talks to anyone else or even just spends time away from you, it might be time to take a step back. When that didnt seem to work, more bad mouthing me, more wanting my family. If you have been in this situation you know that this will also include mental, sexual, and many other types of abuse as well. Over the years, she had torn down my self esteempiece by piece. I will NEVER go through this again. It will always throw things twenty steps back. 2. For example, would he prefer to spend time alone with you? If you can make him feel appreciated, hell spend time with you. I think my summer project is going to be to read all of the blog posts and comments from the beginning. If youre always demanding his attention, hell likely start to feel suffocated. Weve been in your shoes and are in a unique position to put all of our experiences both good and bad, successes and failures and use them to help lead you out of the pain and into a better place. The judge stated that nobody wins in a divorce. I however am back to working full time at our business since he practically decimated it with his affair partner working there so I dont have much time or inclination to be the perfect homemaker he used to be married to. Hed let accrued vacation time EXPIRE in order to work more. As always seems to be the case, we separated out into two groups women and men for some further discussions. And sometimes, those things come first. Im just so tired of him and all of this. My h would tell me, he didnt want her on medication, in the next breathe he would tell me to go take medication. For example, if you dont share his love for football, he may feel like it would be a waste of time. Gizfield, I had put on heaps of weight too after my children, I guess she thought she had the upper hand. They were also agitated, aggravated and fed up. Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer said "NATO has never been stronger" as he responded to a statement by Prime Minister Rishi Sunak in the Commons. Yeah I know..not productive, LOL. What about commitment as a daily choice? Post-affair, I am uncomfortably aware that making mountains out of molehills can be a dangerous self-fulfilling prophecy. See he would watch me falling and he would hold his hand out to her to help her up. Time for ME to start setting the bar for my OWN self-esteem and not basing it on HIS assessment of me. Answer (1 of 8): I was once that husband. I have found that this site has been so helpful to me, it is just incredible. Then I feel hurt when he doesnt. I can definitely relate to feeling like my husband never wants to do anything with me. What are some things that you do to try and keep the passion alive and kicking? That is exactly what my husband did and he admits it. John when my workouts are flagging I also think of the slutty OW and suddenly I can muster plenty of energy! Jed believed he was having a midlife crisis and he does fit the scenario but I am just worn out and tired of dealing with him. If friends tend to be the parents of our kids teammates, school friends, etc. For ME, the absolute foundation of monogamy is my commitment to that very principle. Particularly in a long term relationship. I guess if Ive found any silver lining in my situation it has been establishing a value of self worth that cannot be skewed by anyone and as was said before no more blind faith. Giz, you one of the most remarkable people I have met on this journey. Last night my husband and sister got into a somewhat heated discussion when she brought up a friend from our hometown that got caught cheating. I've even. For years, the six of us and all of our kids would go camping and do other stuff together several times a year. I dont know what to do any,more. I deserved better. This can be difficult to navigate, but dont worry were here to help! Once you know the reason, you can work on a solution. I feel none of it was appreciated and he has a sense of entitlement. I know my h has always been a strong capable man, full of honor, self respect and pride, it definately would not have been an easy road seeing someone else staring at you in the mirror. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. My other half knows this, but still, does not take any of the responsibility on. It should never be a one-person battle. Not that Im interested one bit. That made it interesting to them I suppose. I never did that very much, but now I try not to AT ALL. Their problem is finances, but they are embarrassed to admit it. 25 Signs Your Husband Doesn't Love You Anymore 1. Either way, its essential to discuss whats going on and how its impacting your relationship. You feel something is not right, but aren't sure what. Its all about him and hes still in control! I dont think we should ever let ourselves fall into the boredom trap either, but I am so tired (as the betrayed spouse) of feeling like I need to become a one woman circus to keep the interest going. Additionally, try not to nitpick everything that he does wrong. Yes, she says she feels remorse but she is still defensive about what she did. one of the bs excuses my wife made after her affair was how shed found new excitement. Take care. Ignore builds a wall between you and your spouse. It can be a major weakness to a marriage. Don't lecture. Do things that interest you. I know now that the only sure thing in this world I can depend on is myself. I do everything. Good advise eg. Maybe even in a better, truer, more open and honest way. Was my husband responsible for his alcoholism and abuse? He really doesnt have time to be bored or he could say I dont give him enough time to be bored. The most irksome part of this entire process is that it is completely backward from what it should be. This is especially true if he notices other women and gives you compliments less often. It was his brokenness and going into self-destruct mode. Most of our friends were developed through the people we have met in those activities (those mentioned in this post excluded). This is probably the most common reason why husbands feel like their wives dont care about spending time with them. She treated him better during their affair then she was treating me afterward. Someone who was all bright eyed and bushy tailed for the first 6 years of our marriage but who turned life OFF when kids came into the picture. 1) He's always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. he doesnt want things to improve. Although she said a handful of virtual trolls have called her "desperate . Unexplained discomfort. I was tiresome and costing me a fortune! But when I am anywhere in public, if there are 10 people, at least 6 or 8 of them will be as fat or fatter. It can take months for them to grasp the idea that they and they alone are responsible for the choices they made and the ensuing crap storm that resulted. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a4389dadcdaa7daa7beff3e36e696216" );document.getElementById("ga441a5472").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Lets face it, we arent children anymore, either have an adult relationship or dont, if you do not want to, then let the other person go so he/she can. You have my prayers. July 11, 2023 8:23am. I agree that, for me, its my commitment to God, first and foremost. Since monogamy is an ongoing choice, its something that has to be inspired over the long term. And really peace for your ex too. I usually dont think of him at all. My ex may have made out well with money , but I have my sons. But I, like you, intensely feel like the decades of marriage, taking care of everything (house, kids, social life and working myself), has led me nowhere. If you have decided that you want to make things work out, then compromise. Now he helps make the bed every morning or it doesnt get made. It was his stress and depression and need for escape. I dont really think badly of my husband. Its not just you and him against the world. Whether she values what she has or not I know her friends and coworkers are jealous when they stair at me like a piece of meat-haha. This means monogamy cannot be forced. For nearly twenty five years before the affair he had a very traditional marriage, by both of our choices. So, what gives, lol? Friday may 31st will be divorce day. I have begun traveling without him because he wont go. I am smarter this time around, and while I dont plan to live my life constantly suspecting him of something, I will not live it with blind trust again, either. With empty nesthood approaching fast they were concerned that the rest of their lives were going to be lifeless and dull. At first we had a great marriage and we did a lot of things together. While I am not perfect, I was a loving, supportive, faithful wife. Of course, theres more to a relationship than physical attractionbut it is important. Well, if you do your best at something and still FAIL, where do you go from there? I loved that. That is a rough thing to admit, but doing so frees me of any thought that any cheater isnt responsible for his or her actions. At least mine was, for a while. Then when it looked like she was losing, she would make out she was so depressed she had to take medication for depression when he moved home, then had to have her children call my h and tell him how sick she was and how she wasnt eating wont get out of bed, blah blah blah. All Rights Reserved. Ive spent our 44 years of marriage waiting for him to be available for us and its ruined me. You know it has nothing to do with looks. Always have. I say. Read on to learn more about 10 signs and symptoms of emotional exhaustion in marriage. I even wrote a comment to that effect not long ago. You deserve to have a marriage that doesnt just survive - it thrives! Sometimes, it's completely accidental. Without getting into too much of the details and background, it is apparent to us that they have fallen into a serious marital trap. If the marriage was that fundamentally screwed up, there would be NO staying and no ability to fix it and move forward (as most people do). Plus Hes constantly unsatisfied with his job and I feel like he blames me for having to be safe in his decision making so we can keep on top of bills ect but in reality I feel like its because he doesnt have the drive to make anything happen. 1. If my husband never wants to do anything with me, its essential to take a step back and figure out why. I only vent here. Make sure to schedule some me time into your week to stay sane and avoid resentment. 1. John b. I let the selfish decisions of two very self absorbed people turn me into someone I am NOT. When your partner has your back, they'll be able to say those three important words sincerely and out loud in front of other people. great dad but it feels like a bit of a haze to weigh it up at the moment. I dont live with her, I am not trying to make a life and raise a family with her. Any fun, I must create myself without any assistance from him. He helps make meals or we dont eat. I feel like Im slowly being snuffed out. This will allow him to miss you, making spending time with you that much more special. We are only 35 years old .i feel like he holds us back so much. Of course, this isnt to say that you should never come first. Ugh. Prayers for peace for you. I used to have a higher regard for my wedding vows but these scars will unfortunately stay with me and so be it. 09/05/2023 01:42. So now I feel like if were not doing something exciting all the time Im gonna lose her again. This commitment keeps me here but I dont know what kind of godly marriage this is, when he contributes no energy or time to it. If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. Traveling Can be Expensive. And Im but judging her about this, Im just commenting on it. Our social lives can revolve a bit too much THROUGH our kids. Hopefully, those of you who are further along and are in the marriage rebuilding and strengthening phase can find this helpful. And the selfish person cheating is fooling themselves and their affair partner to justify what they are doing. Was he responsible for me cheating on him? If you're in a relationship where one person does everything for the other, it might be time to consider whether or not that's what you want. I really have to push any conversation about the future. John, I felt exactly the same as you after I found out bout my XWWs almost 2 year affair. And he will bethe old guy at the club. Lol, and ewwwww. Yup, I no longer want all the responsibility of doing it all, anymore. Your email address will not be published. If your husband feels like youre constantly nagging him, hell likely start to dread spending time with you. I even take our children to the seaside on my own. You have to commit, for better or worse. It may be kind of obscure sometimes but its there. They questioned whether or not they had anything in common anymore with their husbands. Its from Donna: I so agree..I had supported my husband for years while he went to school. Or going out together with friends or family? It IS easy to jump on the band wagon when everyone is picking apart their spouses. Running around all dressed up, making and baking. I just didnt want to believe what was actually happening and also, I didnt have the guts! Well, wow. If that something is lacking so severely than they would simply LEAVE. No exceptions. In a perfect world, both partners would work toward the success of their relationship. He is physically able and strong to do things still. My own personal sob story 20 years ago was that my husband was an alcoholic, and that he was physically abusive to me. What are your thoughts on Johnsons idea that the two main factors that keep us monogamous are passion and principles? Eg, its funny you commented about being a step ford wife, lol. My spouse is: old, fat, boring, lazy, doesnt like sex, doesnt love me, harsh, critical, unappreciative, ugly, jealous, nagging, a shrew, etc. 10 big signs your husband doesn't value you (and what to do about it) 1) He trash talks you and cuts you down One of the big signs your husband doesn't value you is that he constantly cuts you down and criticizes you. While I used to assume that he valued our time together as much as I did, and assume that he wanted to do things together, I no longer do. Trash is its own reward. You can also subscribe without commenting. And so, the million-dollar question isWhat inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous? unless he goes to work doesnt want to go out at all but will sometimes . What to do if my husband never wants to do anything with me? What to do if my husband doesn t want to spend time with me? True. Sir Keir described his party's commitment to the . everything else is just circumstantial, and an excuse. Yes I did everything to make his life comfortable not so much now. She made sure to find me enough work to make sure I never uttered or even thought those words again! I value your opinion so I really appreciate your comments. Im glad its over for you. Ultimately, if you feel my husband acts like he thinks . my husband constantly has a headache and does suffer from migraines but refuses to go anywhere. If I would have filed at the beginning I would be years ahead in of where I am now in terms of my recovery. The way you approach a conversation can dramatically impact how open your husband is willing to be during it. It is just easier to blame someone else rather than looking within. One thing I have done in the past is move along too quickly, so I end up in Crap again. My husband doesn t want to spend time with me; it hurts. I do absolutley everything on my own. Choose a time when neither of you is tired. Constantly needing reassurance from your spouse can be suffocating and is likely one of the reasons why hes pulling away. No matter the occasion, if he's constantly pushing you aside because of how busy he is, it's likely an excuse. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you wont complain: My husband never wants to do anything with me. You dont have to fake excitement about every little thing, but ask questions and express genuine curiosity about what hes passionate about. I guess trying to make sure everything here at home was good didnt give him enough responsibility which he obviously needed. Where is the feeling that what I have devoted the last THIRTY years of my life to, has mattered? Plus, he flatly turned down my request that he get counseling or even that WE get counseling. You deserve it, you seem like a very nice lady. If hes unwilling to make any changes, you might have to accept that this is how things are and find ways to occupy your time when hes busy with other things. John, its one of the hardest things to go through, I highly doubt I could go through it again. Aug 19, 2012 We've been married for almost 30 years and have 2 children, aged 16 and 18. being a friend to. We just moved across the country to a rural home with property (a long desired lifestyle), but regrettably, Im more isolated than ever before. i really hope there is a positive outcome for us though because when things are good they are really great and I really enjoy his company and we make each other laugh, plus he is a really But its good to know that Im not alone in feeling this way. I am asking him to step up into a role he has really never (in 26 years of marriage) had to fulfill.
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