i left my wife and feel guilty

Should I leave? However, if she flat-out refuses to help herself, you need to stop catering to her every demand. And when the lease ended, my husband moved out of our home and into a new house a few miles away. coming from parents who divorced i will tell you at least in my case if my parents had stayed married i would have lost my mind. For months, for years, the guilt I knew I would feel if I decided I couldnt be married anymore kept me planted. I refuse to fuse my neck. Read More Id Divorce Him, But I Dont Want to Go To HellContinue. Thank you all for listening. You need some form of respite first, then I think a decision can be made more clearly. S ir Paul Coleridge, a former high court judge, has said that many people wish they hadn't ended their marriage. Stop doing that. Its not for us, so we work very hard to prevent that from being an outcome down the road. But protect yourself. It sounds to me like she is depressed and co-dependent/counter-dependent on you to take care of her because you have enabled her to do so. Dont just keep doing things to keep the peace, because, as others have said, it just makes things worse on you, and, believe me, its not like the kids are going to be shocked to see that Mom is angry. And while the reasons my mom stated are completely valid and maybe where part of her reasoning, I think she was mostly scared to leave my dad, the same way she is scared to leave the asshole she is dating cause she is afraid no one else will ever love her. Hes her fetch boy, because hes allowed himself to become that. But to think of a woman being unloving, uncaring, lazy, and not exhibiting normal motherly nurturing female qualities is harder to swallow. Its strange. Three, in fact. His children will hopefully be put in his custody, and will no longer have to see their mother treat their father so poorly. I agree with the kids thing, but yeh its after the fact so its no use bringing it up now. early chiropractic was explicitly vitalistic (i.e. My dad is a great guy but he basically let my mom have the run of the place because if she was ever challenged or criticized, shed throw a fit. Lastly, like someone else mentioned, he needs to find a way to remember why there was a spark in the first place and do everything he can to get it back. Its part of being a mature and loving person, no matter how shitty youre feeling, to not take out your frustrations on your loved ones. I know that feeling like crap makes me turn into a super unpleasant person, and I do the best I can to check myself so that Im not taking it out on my fiance or making him feel like he is a caregiver to an invalid BUT I know that there are times that I kind of forget myself. And I promise you, if you lose this amazing second chance at love, then you'll have crippling regret. Sorry, I started to get a weird vibe off of this LW as soon as I realized that he listed having to pause a movie 5 or 6 times as a problem before he even mentioned, oh, the three children they have together. Especially the Pain does not 100% control a persons life part. The life you have, is the life you create. If shes unable to bear children, particularly male children, if she cheats in any way, if shes doesnt perform wifely duties or what have you, it becomes acceptable to lay her aside for a new wife to do these things. There are some habits I developed regarding confrontation though, that Im still trying to break. The theory it was built on or the theory it is sustained on or both? The only privacy in a marriage is in the toilet. I really hope my uncomfortableness with his explanation wasnt linked to some deep seeded (and subconscious) sexism on my part, but truthfully it did just strike me as odd when I first read it. grades 6-8? Think of your kids and try to figure out whats best for them. Sir Paul Coleridge, a former high court judge, has said that many people wish they hadnt ended their marriage. You live in a house filled with unsaid suffering, and your kids are suffering the most. Otherwise, shed be on disability at the very least. We rented an apartment for six months to swap in and out of. Its part of being a good partner. Yep CA. How can you feel guilty for leaving a cheater, Wake up and dont accept her crap, she has never stopped her cheating.time to put on the big boy pants and tell her you are going to expose her cheating. You feel responsible for your spouse's feelings and may be co-dependent. maybe theyll attend counseling and things will get better. Individual therapy actually helped me A LOT with internalizing and moving past the pain and frustration associated with being in constant physical pain. She isnt doing her half, or even her third or quarter, based on the letter. I miss the companionship, the financial independence (the joint business went too) and I have to say I also miss the lack of intimacy. Please, please, speak with a lawyer ASAP to find out the best way to protect your children. I do know there is discussion on chemical release when youve had an issue for a long time and your muscles may dump them during adjustments or massages but that is based in science. Look under the hood, and take a behind the scenes look at how longform journalism is made. There are several reasons for this, but I feel like an ass for wanting to get a divorce. People would always compliment us, and talk about how envious they were of our relationship and everything. I need a story on this one! Sometimes, I feel guilty that I am even somewhat happy now because I often think I should be miserable forever because of the choices I made. He felt he was getting older and wanted to settle down. Counseling would be good for the both of you. 2. And to be honest, it got bad enough when I was about 12 that I started wondering why my mom put up with it. But even inside the house things took different amounts of time. The guilt may also be self-doubt. I'm finally putting it into words. I would have to think this is something thats going on with your wife. I know the guilt isnt over. He admitted that she isnt not having sex with him because she cant but that she wont. Off the top of my head I can think of two women in their 40s/50s with serious health issues one with MS and one with lupus who are incredibe mothers and wives. Maybe expectations were not talked about before the marriage, or somewhere into it but I doubt there has been effective communication in this relationship for a while. She probably wont believe he would really divorce her. It all seems very pointless to me. Dont rely on hope in order for things to get better. Theres a difference between Honey, Im not feeling well. Trust me, Im a doctor/physician. So I committed to my health. I can relate to the LW on a LOT if his concerns. 3. Sex: We havent had sex since 2/14/11 (and it is not looking likely in the foreseeable future). Also, I am very close to my mom and my two sisters. I was ready for the change, and after all the time spent preparing, it seemed like the kids were ready, too. He has repeatedly tried to talk to his wife and get things to improve, with no success. Whereas if the relationship was built out of convenience or ambivalence, there is nothing to get back TO. Archived post. I've never been gilded before! However, as much as I can completely understand and support that this LW wants out of his marriage, the financial aspect alone is probably a major deterrent. And the women are just balls of sunshine as far as the eye can see. But admitting the truth to myself, let alone to family, was painful. i think in general societys view of marriage as disposable is very sad. Try and turn your marriage into a healthy and happy one for both your sakes. Your comment interests me because men are 6 times more likely to leave an ill spouse than women are. Jane has hit menopause at 46 and has less interest in sex than I do. Healthy relationships involve frequent sex, and as long as her health problems dont physically prevent her from having sex or make it painful for her, she should be at least attempting to meet your needs. Somehow i missed that part in the letter where he has to call her and make sure shes awake for their little kid. Im sorry I know this is kind of taboo on here, but I think for once (eeek I shouldnt even be saying this) that you are totally pulling the woo hoo woman power thing here. That includes some chores, taking care of kids, and yeah, having sex with her husband. Shes a terrible morning person the absolute worst and the first two hours that shes awake, you cant talk to her its all swearing and anger. its circadian rhythms. Refuse to fetch and carry. I filed for divorce this past summer. You hear all the time that the BS has to eat a **** sandwich, but most of the time the WS -- IS the **** sandwich. In your case, you and you siblings looked out for each other because your parents were trying to pay the bills. She isnt, therefore she can do some things on her own, and chooses to be babied a bit because she feels sorry for herself. It forced me to deal with my health and start making changes to get back on track. Anyway, whats done is done and you cant change it. I certainly think that they should try to make it work, especially when there are children involved. My husband wouldnt have gone through all of the struggles he has dealt with over the past year. Guilt is one of those helpful emotions we feel when we have hurt someone. The tug of guilt makes it tough to move on with my life in an intentional way. He was late for the umpteenth time. My ex-husband of over 30 years started acting differently. I know all of this, but reminding myself of it is easier said than done. I left my husband after 25 years. If you cant respect each other, there is no way to keep any type of amicable relationship going, let alone a marriage. Really Correct language merely helps support the LWs case, and thats the only reason I bring it up. My ex and I are still in love, but he is unhappily remarried now with a new family and he doesnt want to leave his kids. I too think there is nothing wrong with therapy, so when I say that I mean that being a caretaker is HARD and he has a lot on his plate. They went to couples therapy, and my mother got a much better team of doctor-therapist-psychiatrist, all of whom my father became very familiar with, so he feels comfortable talking with them if he has concerns about her behavior or medications. Most of us, especially after long marriages, are defined by our marriage and by our role as parent. When a marriage goes bad, guilt can stem from the fact that you feel you didn't fulfill a promise. I think the LW by himself needs therapy. I agree about the kids thing, but I dont think its worth berating the LW about. Yeah, I hear you there. Still, for the longest time, I felt that something needed to change. My ex is in a longstanding relationship with a woman who is much more like him now. Theres no way to forecast how it will turn out. Also maybe she does do for herself when hes not home. My mom worked at the same school from 1 to 5 so she would take us back home at 5 and then leave to work again, so many time we were alone at home until 8 or 9pm. I definitely agree with you. What if I didnt try hard enough? I grew up in a somewhat similar environment (excluding physical issues), but my father also had his own set of demons he was battling. LW, if you have an Employee Assistance Program at work try contacting them. SHE is the one in the wrong here. Im usually all for getting the parents needs met, but in this instance, Im putting the kids first. Or she could fall stricken to a debilitating health issue that requires her to have to quit her job and take on a lot of medical debt. I hope she does. You can stop the enabling and deal with the consequences. Id love to hear this story from the wifes point of view. I ask someone to go grocery shopping with me. LW, I really feel for you, because it sounds like youve gone above and beyond for a long time, and its really starting to wear you down. But just as everyone got their panties all in a bunch last week about generalizations I dont think its okay to say that THIS LW is an asshole or lying. 1. Posts: 2,366. I think Wendy has some great advice and I hope you can find a way to deal with this that will do the least harm possible to the kids. When breathing hurts. Divorce guilt lasts as long as you choose to, though it does take time to get over a big breakup. Well of course they do The money isnt in the cure. Not that there is anything inherently wrong about the romantic ideal of everlasting love, but it completely ignores the fundamental reality of relationships: They are a lot of damned work and there is no happily ever after. I personally am NOT a morning person and while I can sometimes be a little grumpy I am not angry at the world for waking me up and I certainly do not curse at people! Oh and I also kind of thought it was an unspoken word around here that we were supposed to take the LWs at their words, and give advice from there. By the time I realised Id made a terrible mistake (about six months later) my ex-husband had already met the woman who would become his second wife. I was lucky because I fell into the supportive hands of a friend who turned out to be the love of my life. Your email address will not be published. Itll probably be difficult to be discreet, but you have got to do all you can to ensure that when/if you leave, you dont have to leave the kids behind. We were happy, and she was genuinely having fun and it seemed like I had the old her back. Then, I settle into my favorite coffee shop and a new feeling arises. Making the decision to leave an alcoholic is one that is filled with many emotions. I have never been happier; we have four kids and . . No one hopes that will happen, but when it does, the impact needs to be considered. Another?) The first time I suspected that I was no longer her man of choice was in July 2016 when I noticed she was no longer going to yoga classes, but telling me she was. Since September, Ive been having a NSA/ very casual relationship with a guy I met online. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. You are probably unaware that only 5% of marriages where the female spouse is sick last, vs. most with male spouses. That is all anyone can do. I completely agree; a kid shouldnt have to deal with all of that. needs for a change? It honestly sounds like your marriage hasnt been great from the beginning. That said with 3 kids, 1 in elementary school it might be work it to give it a shot. Yep.. Also, I find his attitude a little disturbing. It really bothers me to see so many commenters bending over backwards to let LW know that hes so not a bad guy for wanting to leave his disabled wife when the same people ripped to shreds a woman who merely requested that a friend wear his teeth to be in her wedding. Most single moms complain about the challenges of finding time to date, and about the shitshow that is modern dating if they do manage to find the time. Having feelings of guilt for what we did or did not do, whether real or imagined, is a common experience for many people going through bereavement. Take Wendys advice, its good. I was finding success in most areas of my life. I pay for all of our kids expenses, and I give my ex-wife a monthly stipend, and she never asked for either, and I feel guilty that I am not giving enough. Again, maybe the house is a nightmare. Thank you for your compliments dear friends, it really makes me feel good. One thing you did not mention, and that I think you should spend serious time on, is what made you fall in love in the first place. I guess my philosophy is that people should take marriage a lot more seriously, and should REALLY talk, communicate, and give it time before marrying someone. For her YOU ruined everything because she can't have her cake and eat it too. Personally, I think your reasons are more than sufficient to MOA. | Mariella Frostrup, Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, 2023 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. She treats her husband like a slave? You should not feel guilty for feeling the way you do. I deal with it every damned day of my life. I dont mean that as a criticism, because we all have our problems, our weaknesses, but perhaps it would help the LW (and his kids, and possibly his marriage, which may or may not be worth saving) to get help with his. Have you reached out to your wifes family and friends? VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. ha! I agreed with you in my comment, and that it was too late to change now. I am thinking of leaving you. Period. But staying together for the kids can have negative consequences too. As I mentioned (maybe on this thread? Scan this QR code to download the app now. Thats what I come back to each time the guilt takes hold. I guess I was thinking in a larger historical context. I reconnected with an old male best friend and unfortunately, had an affair. 2) Responsibility for a criminal or moral offence deserving punishment or a penalty. The guilt hurts so darn bad it can ruin everything good trying to happen to us. Im not horribly obsessed with sex; I knew that with her health problems sex would be less then many of the people we knew. I am going to go against the grain and call bullshit on LW. We can validate you over and over again, but what you REALLY need here is a solid plan of action, not reassurance for a decision youve already made. I railed against him about all kinds of things, like coming home late or being distracted by his phone. And even then, I agreed that he was right to consider divorce and merely wondered what the wifes story would be. This, from a scientific standpoint (speaking as a molecular biologist/epidemiologist) is bullshit. I am exhausted and at the end of my tether, so yes, I KNOW EXACTLY how you are feeling. Thank you everyone for the heartfelt advice. May I ask from where this concept came? Every day longer you keep them in a circumstance that is unhealthy is another day they learn that unhealthy is normal and safe. Its heartbreaking when people going through a divorce use their children to conduct a revenge campaign. and another important thing to remember is the children. Not only is it exhausting and frustratingbut it can be depressing (maybe explaining why shes sleeping until noon and super angry all of the time). Of course it will be hard on everyone; divorce is never easy. It was torture. I actually got really anxious reading this because the LW could be describing my mother health issues, bitterness, neediness,refusing therapy, the whole shebang. It is counter-intuitive, and childish, for her to treat you like shit as you are caring for her. Now all of the discs in my neck are shot and its working into my upper back. Yes, I think the writing is on the wall. The one thing I would like to add to this is that with every major life change (new job, new home, new child) things usually need to be renegotiated and you end up coming to a different division of chores. This marriage is toxichealth problems or not. We asked our readers about whether they had any regrets and what it really feels like to walk away from a loved one. Its better to talk about it before than realize after it is. Ive been separated for about a year. Even adult children who care for the elderly parents get burnt out, and need time for themselves. I agree. My wife loved me for me and ignored my flaws as I tried to perfect them. Even if he doesnt get a divorce, I hope he can find someone to talk to at least. We let it steal away the joy and peace we desire. I underestimate myself sometimes in what I can do and then am pleasantly surprised when I realize how much I can do. Even middle-school is quite young to be fending for yourself for long periods of time. My last on again off again relationship was exhausting for me due to the health problems she had. Like I didnt even know I was awake until I was talking out loud, I woke up mid sentence. Time. So yeah maybe he gave more details than necessary, but I interpreted it to be because he was afraid we were going not really understand completely how bad the situation is, as opposed to trying to make himself seem like a martyr. Part of me feels that just writing this is a bad idea. Right. My wife left me because her family told her to. I couldnt ignore that the main thing driving my discontent was that I felt unsatisfied in my marriage. Im really not happy with all of the commenters telling you to MOA from your wife because, well, disabled women are 6 times more likely to have a spouse leave them then disabled men are.. The not a morning person excuse is one of the worse Ive ever heard. And why is it so difficult for him to get another? Face it, even if she has to get out of bed to come yell at you for not bringing her a drink or whatnot, at least she will get out of bed. The few times my mom was home sick when I was in middle school and even when I was in high school were way more stressful than just coming home by myself. They are going to grow up resenting BOTH parents for that. But of course, its not my place to judge him about it. I moved out of the house to live away at school for my first two years of high school, while my older sister went off to college, so they had more time to focus on themselves (and I got to spend time focusing on myself and my education, without the distraction of my mothers problems). Demand counseling, a medical evaluation for depression and change. Deep-diving into what was wrong meant I stopped holding back when I spoke to my husband. If you were the one who left did you feel bad? Here are three common ways we can be way too hard on ourselves after a loss, along with some tips about how to be kinder to ourselves. That being said she goes with her to all of her appointments and sees my sisters day to day struggle to simply function, to walk and sit in class. Her numerous ailments require her to take 26 pills every day. I don't know why I don't think I deserve guilt-free happiness. The older brother and I have vastly different opinions on our upbringing, mine more of a what else could they do? and his is a why didnt they do more?, Oh Regina, youre always defending the male LWs. Haha Ive actually heard this statistic (although I thought it was 5 times more likely) and as soon as I read this letter I was reminded of it. Degenerative disc disease, mostly in my neck, but its also in my lower back thanks to a curvature in my spine (since birth). When you said your vows, you probably meant them. But if she doesnt want to change, she obviously cares more for herself than for you and it would be good for you to MOA and find the happiness you deserve. Good luck. divorce is way more expensive then counseling. That is actually terrifying. I will never forgive him for lying to me but it has been three years since the divorce was final and I try to be civil when I see him. Both have to be committed to make it work no one person can carry a marriage all on their own. And I doubt very much their kids are unaware of the difficulties in their parents marriage; they may not know every single detail, but kids ALWAYS know when something is not right. Dont just do it because its something you think you should do, or to save something. Give it one last try. You have serious issues to work out if you think you don't even deserve a foot rub or to be at the top of the list at least sometimes. She shouldnt be yelling at you and demanding things all the time. If that means leaving your wife so they dont have to hear the constant belittling of you, or arguing. it doesnt sound like a house where the children are getting caught in the cross-fire so I have a hard time seeing how theyd be better off based on what weve been told. And if that turns out to be impossible then console yourself with the fact that you tried your best. I could never bring kids into this world if I couldnt be sure that their needs were going to be met 100% and that if something were to happen to me, my spouse could take over fully. We tried taking adult days. He seems to think that shes making up her ailments, but concedes that shes been diagnosed and that he knew that when he married her. I felt pent-up, irritable and borderline depressed. Being able to deal with feeling guilty is a very important step in moving through bereavement. I am very short with her even though I only see her maybe for a months time out of the year and I regret it often. Theyve been more resilient than I couldve possibly imagined. I worried about whether Id be able to support myself financially. While I do love the idea of marriage, the idea of finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and actually accomplishing that is magical; Ive read far too much history to buy into the current ideals of marriage, it was a commodity for far too long. My kids wouldnt have to go back and forth between houses. LW, I truly feel for you, and I can relate to your letter far more than Id want. however, you do have to love between both people (romantic love) to make things last and to have something to fight for. my husband was insanely sick (and a total grumpy a-hole so I can comiserate with this LW) for a little over a year. That makes sense, thanks for the explanation! However, I dont think they regret it, even so. Your kids happiness is worth way more than you worried about being the bad guy. In my back, it just gives me sciatic pains down my right leg. Honestly, what worried me more than anything on here is that you have to call your wife every day to make sure shes awake for your kindergartner. What if my own happiness wasnt worth the emotional strain I put on my husband and my two kids?. This LW struck me as just vying for a ton of sympathy and permission to leave. She told me she loved me, she loved our family, and in that moment, I believed her. I always desired more space in my marriage which is, in part, why I decided to leave it. We went to the fricken mayo clinic and they couldnt fix him. Sarah Bregel Pulling the covers around my neck, I snuggle into bed and feel my whole body melt. Changing the dynamics of the relationship now would be shutting the barn door after the horse left. LW, we had early mornings in my family, too. It becomes especially difficult if only one person sees the need or even wants to change.

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